Why Women Compete Instead of Connect — And How Patriarchy Keeps Us Lonely
Let’s talk about something no one teaches us in health class or healing circles:
💥 The reason so many women struggle to form deep, nourishing friendships…
has nothing to do with being too busy or introverted.
It has everything to do with patriarchy.
More specifically?
It has to do with a psychological theory called the Madonna/Whore Complex —
a system so outdated it should be extinct,
but in 2025, it’s still alive and well.
What is the Madonna/Whore Complex?
Coined by Freud (yes, that Freud),
this theory describes how some men split women into two rigid categories:
✨ The Madonna — modest, nurturing, respectable, “wife material”
🔥 The Whore — sexual, seductive, carefree — but never “the one”
This split leaves no room for complexity.
A woman can be loved or desired — but never both.
And while that might sound like something from a college textbook,
you’ve seen it play out in herstory:
📸 Jackie vs. Marilyn
🎤 Beyoncé vs. Rihanna
👀 Even that quiet judgment passed between women over how they dress, speak, or move through the world.
It’s not just about men — it’s about how women are conditioned to treat each other.
Because once the world starts splitting women into “good” vs “too much”…
we start doing it, too.
We’re taught there’s only room for one “ideal woman” at the top —
so we judge.
We compare.
We shrink.
We side-eye instead of support.
Sisterhood starts to feel like a threat — instead of a refuge.
If you were told to be “not like other girls” to be desirable…
If you’ve ever silently policed how another woman dressed, parented, or flirted…
If you’ve found yourself feeling guarded around other successful, powerful women…
You’ve been affected by this.
And if you’ve ever felt lonely — even when surrounded by women —
you’ve lived the impact.
The “Wifey Material” Lie — and Who It Serves
This system doesn’t just hurt our relationships with men.
It hurts our relationships with each other.
Because when women are too busy performing respectability —
we don’t have time to build connection.
When we’re afraid of being judged —
we hold back the truest parts of ourselves.
And when we compete to be the most “palatable,”
we’re upholding a system that was never built for us in the first place.
The real threat to sisterhood isn’t other women —
it’s a system that tells us we can’t trust each other.
But here’s the good news:
You can unlearn that script.
I’ve seen it happen inside the Settle for More program —
where women who were once suspicious of other women now text each other daily.
Where comparison is replaced by celebration.
Where trust, softness, and joy return.
And we’ve seen women in pop culture challenge this system, too:
👑 Beyoncé turned “wifey material” upside down in her Self-Titled album, reminding us that marriage and sexuality aren’t opposites — she’s the whole package.
🔥 SZA took the “side piece” trope and filled it with longing, vulnerability, and power — daring us to see her as more than an archetype.
They’re not picking sides.
They’re claiming the whole truth.
So what if we all gave ourselves that same permission?
To be soft and strong.
To be sexy and smart.
To stop tearing each other down and start healing — together.
That’s what we practice every week inside Settle for More.
A 12-week group coaching experience for single Black & Brown women who are done performing, done blaming themselves, and ready to build lives that actually fit.
🖤 Want sisterhood that doesn’t feel like a competition?
🖤 Want tools to stop self-blame and start trusting other women again?
