You Can’t Self-Help Your Way Out of Loneliness

Every few months, there’s a new “wellness girly” trend.
A new journal. A new caffeine alternative. Another morning routine that promises peace.

And yet—so many of us are still sitting alone on our couches at night wondering, Why do I still feel disconnected?

I see it all the time with my clients and community.
Women who have done everything right—therapy, affirmations, solo trips, boundaries—still carrying a quiet ache that no checklist seems to touch.

Here’s the truth no one tells you:
👉🏾 You can’t self-help your way out of loneliness.

Individual healing has its limits

The world tells women of color that independence equals strength.
We’re celebrated for being self-sufficient, unbothered, and “handling it.”

But hyper-independence isn’t healing—it’s protection.
It’s what we learned to do when asking for help was met with disappointment, when vulnerability wasn’t safe, when our strength became our currency.

—Enter the glorified lone wolf.

Books like Attached remind us that healthy dependency isn’t a weakness — it’s part of what makes us human. But modern culture flipped that truth on its head. We turned the “securely attached adult” into a myth and started idolizing the woman who can do everything alone.

Somewhere along the way, individualism became our armor.
“Pick yourself up by your bootstraps.”
“Don’t need anyone.”
“Be so good they can’t ignore you.”

But that’s not healing — that’s survival under capitalism.
And for women of color, it’s a trap.

Because every system that tells us to isolate in the name of strength is the same one that benefits from our disconnection.

The lone wolf narrative sells independence but robs us of intimacy.
It glorifies autonomy at the expense of belonging.
And it ignores the simple truth that some of the most nourishing moments in life happen with other people — not in spite of them.

We were never meant to heal in isolation

Human beings regulate through connection.
Our nervous systems literally calm down when we feel seen and understood.
That’s not weakness—it’s biology.

When you try to heal without connection, you end up doing emotional labor in a vacuum.
You process the pain, but you don’t get the practice.
You understand the theory of boundaries but have no one to hold you accountable to them.
You crave intimacy but never get to experience safety in real time.

Healing alone keeps you aware but disconnected.
Healing in community helps you integrate.

The self-help industry forgot to mention the systems

The reason this happens isn’t because you’re lazy or not “doing the work.”
It’s because most wellness spaces ignore the systems we’re healing within.

Black and Brown women are carrying generations of over-functioning, perfectionism, and pressure to perform strength.
We weren’t taught to rest—we were taught to survive.
So even our self-care becomes another to-do list.

At Her Soul Supply, I refuse to sell you “fast-food wellness.”
Because you don’t need another affirmation telling you you’re magic—you already know that.
You need structure, accountability, and community to help you live like you believe it.

What healing together looks like

Healing together means being around women who understand why your guard is up.
Who don’t need you to explain why you second-guess yourself in dating or friendship.
Who can look at you and say, “Same,” and actually mean it.

It looks like sitting at a dinner table or a park circle, talking about boundaries and joy in the same breath.
It looks like laughter, reflection, and the relief of not having to pretend you’re fine.

That’s why I created The Village—a monthly community for single Black and Brown women who are done healing in isolation.

Every month, we gather in person for cultural experiences around NYC—art walks, wellness events, picnics, moments that remind you you’re alive and connected.
You’ll also have access to my private library of teachings and tools on building trust, communication, and self-worth.
But more than anything, you’ll have people—a support system that grows with you.

Because the goal isn’t to heal perfectly—it’s to heal supported

If you’ve been doing the work and still feel alone, it’s not because you’ve failed.
It’s because you were never meant to do this alone.

So this fall, instead of buying another journal or signing up for another solo challenge, try something different.
Let yourself be witnessed.
Let yourself be held.

✨ Join The Village →www.hersoulsupply.com/village

Because your growth was never supposed to happen in isolation—and your next season doesn’t have to either.